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David's Story: The Two-Block Walk
"Hi, my name is David, and I'm an alcoholic." I must have said that line thousands of times over the past 20 years, since the first time I went to an AA meeting. During the years since then, I have managed to stay sober most of the time, partly with the help of that Program, and mostly with a lot of determination and white-knuckling on my part. My sobriety was punctuated, however, with numerous brief lapses into drinking (too many to count), and a couple of complete relapses lasting a year or longer.
During my last return to "Party Animal" status, I finally received a DUI charge and lost my drivers license; something I had somehow managed to avoid during the many earlier years of my drinking career.
Before you get the wrong idea, this is not another "How AA Saved My Life" story. But I think it is important to say that although I no longer go to AA myself, that I am not "Anti-AA," and that I am grateful for the help that I received there when I needed it.
How well I remember the last time I decided to get sober, about 8 years ago now, as I write this in the Year 2000. I was still living in Los Angeles at the time. I had just gotten my DUI and lost my drivers license for a year, had lost my job that I'd had for over 10 years, and had very nearly lost my health and sanity because of my excessive drinking and drugging.
Luckily for me, I happened to live only two blocks from the nearest AA Clubhouse, which was called "The Hole in the Sky." During that first year of my precarious sobriety, I did little else except go to AA & NA meetings there, at least once a day... sometimes two or three a day.
That two-block walk was, for me, however, filled with land mines. In just those two blocks from my house to the "Hole," there were 14 places that sold alcohol, and thus 14 opportunities to relapse. I can still remember them all, and how each one of them called out to me, each time I walked by. In order of my passing, they were: Megu's Japanese Restaurant, a family style restaurant called The Country Kitchen, the AM-PM, a liquor store, Ralph's Supermarket, a barbecue rib joint, the Indian Food restaurant, Marie Calendar's, the English Pub, the Italian Deli, the Pizza Parlor, another bar whose name I forget, the Pool Hall, and the Chevron Station. When you think about it, this description of my two-block-walk illustrates just how pervasive alcohol has become in our society.
During those first early days, weeks, and months of sobriety, as difficult as it was to pass up each of those opportunities to buy alcohol and instead make it to my meetings, I remember that the walk home was often even more difficult. After all, I'd made it to the meeting, seen my new acquaintances there, and picked up my occasional "chip"... and if I decided to make a detour on the way home for "just ONE beer," nobody but myself would know. Somehow, listening to all those drinking "war stories" just made my cravings for a drink even stronger on the walk home.
But I did make it, every day for over a year, and not too long after the day I picked up my third One Year Chip, I finally sold my house and moved back to Arizona. Incidentally, the big Northridge Earthquake hit just two days after I left (but that's a different story).
After returning to Arizona, I soon got my Drivers License back, found a good job, and proceeded to start to "get a life." Although I went to a few meetings here and there, I realized that I never really felt that I belonged in AA. In fact, I remember being told by some of the "old-timers" at the Hole-in-the-Sky, that if you really just don't "get" The AA Program, that it was okay to just "fake it till you make it." Frankly, I was just tired of faking it.
So even though I never got involved with another group here in Arizona, I still considered myself a "recovering alcoholic." By that time, my cravings to drink alcohol had pretty well subsided, but I was still suffering from a rather lengthy battle with depression. My friend Lloyd, who was then a case worker at the local homeless shelter, recognized this as clinical depression, and tried his best to talk me into taking an anti-depressant, but I refused to listen to his advice, remembering AA's advice against "substituting one drug for another." I suffered through that for about another two years before the dark cloud finally lifted, all the while insisting that I had good reason to be depressed, because I'd screwed up my life with drugs and alcohol.
One day Lloyd called me on the phone, and asked if I'd seen a little two-inch article in the local newspaper about a new medication called Naltrexone, which had just been approved by the FDA for the treatment of alcohol dependence. I hadn't seen it yet, so he read it to me, and asked what I thought about it. I was skeptical at best that it might work, but he remained hopeful that it would help. He was dealing with an alcohol dependent friend at the time, who had been to AA and countless treatment programs without lasting success, and I couldn't argue with his basic point that we had nothing to lose by finding out more, and then trying the medication on him.
To make a very long story short, we tried it and it did work! And since that day about five years ago, I've gone from being one of the first skeptics, to being completely convinced that Naltrexone is the most important development in the past 50 years for helping people to escape from the vicious cycle of alcohol dependence. Not since Dr. Bob and Bill W. wrote the "Big Book" has anything this important occurred. I have personally seen Naltrexone make all the difference for hundreds of people attempting recovery, many of whom had tried and failed, and tried and failed again.
Happily, I've since found a different Recovery Program, based on cognitive behavior therapy, that works better for me personally. I have finally figured out that I don't need a drink in one hand and a drug in the other to have fun, and that I'm actually a lot happier without them.
And I wish now that Naltrexone had been there for me during those first sober days back in 1992, when I had to make that perilous, two-block walk several times each day. I know it would have taken the power away from those 14 sirens that used to call out to me as I walked by, and made the journey a whole lot safer.
I made it. But I wonder: how many didn't?
Mike
Sheffield Lake, Ohio
Comments Click HereMy first drinking experience was when I was 5 years old on home made wine. Needless to say I got sick, and couldn't stand the smell of wine for a number of years after that. Then, at around the age of 10 I got into my mother's diet pills and preceded to see clowns and other apparitions. My folks had to call the Dr. who prescribed something to bring me out of the 6th dimension. I never quite fit in with most of the kids in school so I hung with other like minded students. At the age of 16 I quit school, and decided to go to work. My father would let me use his 57 Ford now and then and good jobs were hard to find. In 1967 I joined the Marines, and volunteered for a tour of Vietnam; after a year being in the airwing in Santa Ana, California. I hadn't been in Vietnam an hour, and the Viet Cong mortared us at the air base in Dong Ha; which prompted me to renew my relations with Jesus. Throughout my tour I knew Jesus was watching out for me, as no body has the kind of luck I seemed to have-it was just not possible to be luck alone! I came home; partied for three weeks straight with my girlfriend and then went to work. I was 19 years old, and had a huge resentment towards society for the way we were welcomed home from Vietnam. To add insult to injury; I tried to buy some 22 caliber ammunition for my rifle and Stoeger Luger, and was told I couldn't purchase it because I wasn't 21 cause the ammo would fit in a handgun. When I tried to get served in a bar I was carded a lot of the time and turned down if they didn't have 3.2 beer. I tried to buy a car, but again was told I needed a co-signer because of my age. Elections came around and I couldn't vote-wasn't 21! Then, my girlfriend got pregnant, and through my arrogance decided to leave her and pay child support-you don't have to be 21 for that I thought! I then met another girl who promptly got pregnant, and I surrendered to the god of fertility and got married. I had to drink more and more to sooth the resentments and pain of past experiences. My mother told me I would become an alcoholic if I continued my drinking. Earlier in my childhood; I watched my uncle John die from cirrhosis. I thought that as long as I ate I'd never become an alcoholic. I ended up working assembly line work with long hours, and I fell in with the drinking crowd. In 1986, after several stays in treatment centers I decided I was an alcoholic. Having been in the program clean and sober for a year or so I had an accident at work which disabled me, and required surgery, and various pain killers. After the surgery, I was put on Demerol 100mg every four hours--10mg Valium every four to six hours, and 100 mgs of Desyrl at night to help me sleep, not to mention Zantac and Reglan. Somehow I managed not to drink until 1990 when I was told I was all washed up, and I could no longer do the only work I knew, and was medically retired. I then decided to mix a little Jack Daniels into the chemical cocktail and that's when my life crashed. Long before; I put Jesus on the shelf, and after my life fell apart I took up the practice of witchcraft (Wicca), because I felt I had been abandoned by Jesus. In a matter of months I was charged with two D.U.I.'s, and for the grand finale was charged with "Having a weapon under disability being a Chronic Alcoholic". I was sentenced to a three year "Gun Specification", and a two to five year sentence. Eight years total, and cold turkey'd off all the above drugs in a cell. I did four and a half years of the eight, and spent my time in pursuit of a higher education, and forgiveness from Jesus. I know I am the only person to have been put in prison in Ohio under 2923.13 A4. I believe it saved my life, and helped me to regain my sanity. It's been almost six years since I've had a drink and AA taught me how to live again. Coincidence-I think not! Thank Jesus, and the fellowship of AA
Joey
Comments Click HereMost people believe pot is a harmless drug, that it is neither addictive nor harmful. I believe that I am living proof that this just isn't true. I am now 20 I started smoking weed about 5 years ago in high school with all of my friends. It was the single greatest thing in the world to me. What could be better than getting high with your friends and laughing your asses off at life. I didn't want any part of real life most of it was crap anyway. I felt that I deserved better than busting my ass all day in school to bust my ass in university just to graduate and realize there wasn't a decent job for me anyway. life, to me, was a meaningless ride to your inevitable death with bullsh*t crammed in between pot seemed to make it a more enjoyable ride. After about a year I smoked every lunch and a few times after school. My grades went from 70's to 40's and everyone but me knew why. I was the dictionary definition of a burnout denying not only to others that I had a problem but most importantly, I lied to myself. I skipped more and more classes until I got that last call down to see the vice-principal. I had accumulated 88 absences, was failing all four classes and he had no choice but to expel me for the year. Even though I was allowed back next year I was crushed, so I went home and smoked a joint. It didn't even occur to me that the problem was right in my hands. That summer I went on vacation with one of my sober friends and smoked one joint (with him) in 6 weeks. When I got back I promptly resumed smoking. My grades next year were horrible however I managed to pass 2 classes of 4.I even lost my girlfriend at the time because she couldn't watch me "destroy myself" anymore. That year I moved to a new area, found the pot smoking crowd and promptly resumed my habit as usual. Sick of school I dropped out, to pursue my habit full time I guess. That's when things at home went downhill. My parents knew about my lifestyle and disgusted with the poor decisions that I had made ordered me out of the house. It was during this time that I realized I had to stop lying to myself and I did just that. I realized I would become everything I loathed in life if I continued and that all the things that meant something to me were being replaced with getting high. All of my dreams and aspirations were going up in smoke. I had to accept the fact that I needed to quit. It's been 4 months since the day I quit. my withdrawal was quick and painful. For about a week I threw up almost every night. I had shakes, cold sweats, insomnia, and incredible urges to just pick up the phone and relive myself. Needless to say I didn't and that was about the best choice I've ever made. I am now in college, have a wonderful girlfriend for a year now, am at peace with my parents and ,most importantly of all, am at peace with myself. The most important piece of advice I can give to any addict is stop lying to your self it's not helping you. Sober friends can only do so much. Only you can help yourself.
Sydney
St. Augustine, FloridaThis is not my story but is one I experienced from my direct relation with one of the closest people to me. Paul was addicted to heroin for two years, while doing other sustances on the side. We would meet out on occasion and "blow up" or "trip out", me never suspecting he would do anything harder than that. But eventually he dissappeared. No one would tell me where he was, not even his mom and she knew how worried I was. So I hoped and prayed he was not in debt to anyone for a "long weekend" and that if he was, he would be smart enough to call me for help. But no answer came and I didn't hear from him for over three months. And then I finally got a letter in the mail with all the information I needed. See paul had gotten into "h" through work and began shooting up every once in a while. Well then it became a little more often and a little bit higher doses. At his peak he was putting $80 a day up his arm along with whatever else he could combine it with. After a year and a half, he wanted to get clean; problem was he could no longer afford rehab due to the fact that it all went up his arm. So he decided to keep on working to support his habit and he would deal with the addiction at a later date. Finally, fate stepped in. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time and the good 'ol police picked him up. The charges are not important to this story, what is though is that the judge ordered him into rehab until further notice. So off paul went. He spent 18 days in detox alone and wanted to die the whole time. Fighting for just on "bump", anything to take away the pain and the voices that were threatening his sanity. That was back in April. He may be able to come home on Christmas if they don't get another lock down. I pray for him every day and hope that I have helped keep his fragile sanity. The thought of him not making it is scarier than finding out he died of an overdose. Dying for stupidity is one thing, but dying after already knowing how much better you can be is just not worth forgiving. I don't know how many people this would help or if anyone will ever read it. What i do know is that I have used drugs and I, like everyone else, have my vices. But seeing and hearing Paul cry to me that he is finally able to look in the mirror and not be scared makes me want to scream from the mountain tops for a soul who has found his way home. I love you cuz.
Brooke
Somewhere in NevadaMy name is Brooke an I am a recovering alcoholic. I was taught that this was the most important thing I would ever say. I know this to be true today. I celebrated my 6th birthday on January 2, 1997. I was one of the very slow members of AA to be brought into this program. I was 47 years of age and I came in lying and dying and through the back door of AA with Al-Anon. I had two alcoholic parents and have a brother dying of this disease. I came in well qualified. My bottom was total insanity on my bedroom floor and I could not drink another drink nor could I live another moment. My life has changed and continues to change. I am today a college student with plans to return to California to continue my studies. I am employed, have a sponsor and sponsor 4 women in AA. I truly am pleased that you have this website. I began to read Willy's story and I knew I was home because I began to cry. My experience, strength and hope is that, what I can do, you can do...I am an average drunk who has recovered simply "doing what they do"...Praying to God, attending meetings, working my program and working with others... You never, ever have to drink again and you never, ever have to be alone again.
Jimmy
New Jersey
Hi my school life almost went down hill because of my drug use. i was hooked on crack,cocaine weed and dust. i used every day for 5 month. i go to college.i got so behind in school work i almost got kicked out. i always have weed on me and i had a guy i know deliver cocaine to me at all hours of the night and i would also go out like 10 time a day and buy crack that was being sold two miles away. one day my friend came over my house with dust and it really got me hooked fast. i got so much in to it that i stoled from my family to sell things so i can get money to buy my drugs. i didn't care about my family because they were always saying to me to get off of drugs. but they did not know what it is like to have to have the drug. i stoped the day mygirl friend died. she had O.D . on crack cocaine. it really hurt me, she was the one that had got me hooked in the first place. and now she is died. that could of had been me. but now i'm sober and i got my degree in computer engeneering. but i alway think about the people i hurt and the life of my girl friend that was taken because of drugs. so please if you are a user please stop useing. it will just mess your life up. "GOD PLEASE HELP ALL PEOPLE ON DRUGS TO GET OFF OF IT"
Frank
Baton Rouge, LaI stumbled on to your page looking for information on Gambling Addictions. After reading a few of the Recovery Stories, I realized that regardless of the addiction - drugs, alcohol, or gambling - we are all in for the same ride into total darkness and despair as long as we stay active in our own addictions and do not trust in our higher power. When I'm lost and feeling tempation (as I was today), my higher power is my only hope. Today, my higher power worked through the stories here. Thanks for being there. Hopefully you can expand your topics to include gambling, if you haven't done so already. I'll be back!
Dan O.
Location UnknownI really do not know how to start, but I just feel the need to put my feelings down. I really know in my heart that I have come to the end of my rope. I have been drinking daily for 30 years. I have been to a treatment center once, went to a few AA meetings and just toyed with it. Still drinking , knowing that I could lick this drinking myself. What a fool I have been. I have been divorced three times, lost contact with my children, family and so called friends, but yet I knew I would get better on my own. I married 3 years ago, a very beautiful woman who I have known for 24 years. My drinking which she knew of still continued daily with the same problems I have experienced before. Without taking to much time here, Last night she took me to two AA meetings. I wanted to go! I know that I am not going to beat this demon on my own. I can't do it alone. My life has bottomed out. I want to be sober. I am not sure how that feels! I know that with God, AA, and the support of my wife it can and will work. Yes my frig is loaded with beer, and knowing in my heart that I can get one or twelve anytime. I am just beginning this serious road to recovery. I ask for any prayers, advice or support that you would care to give. Gods Grace to you all.
Panos L.
Location UnknownI'm now 16yrs old, I started experimenting with drugs at the age of 13 (smoking marijuana).This year has been a rough one for me.December of 96 I started doing heroin,and different pills.At the begining I thought it was no big deal, but soon afterwards I found myself shooting up daily, and eating pills like they were candy.Of course I belived I had no problem I belived on my own I would just stop. Fortunately my parents discovered what was happening, and resticted me from going out of the house for 2months. During these 2 months I had 3 Relapses, I would leave school and go buy pills (Roches) and take about 7 of them, due to my state after taking the pills my parents would find out. Each relaps they added on another month of me not going out.The time I spent in the house and normal visits to a social worker made me realize that what I was doing was totally wrong, and also that I was really lucky that my parents caught on, and stopped me in an early stage of my addiction. If it hadent been for them I would probaly be just another Junkie on the street now, stealing or begging for money to pay for my next bag of dope. I strongly advise anyone out there who is ever offered heroin, or and drug like this, say no stay away from it, it's not worth it.It can really destroy your life! It slowly kills you,you become something that your not and you can't remember who you were before.
Janna G.
Somewhere in CanadaI have been reading your recovery stories and I think they have made me realize that I might have a problem. I have been using alcohol and drugs as a way of escaping life for the past three years now. I am only eighteen years old but I feel like I have already wasted my life. I am so scared sometimes that I just don't know what else to do. When I drink I can have fun and talk to people that I normally would not talk to. I lose any feelings of shyness that I have when I am sober. I have been using drugs and alcohol to have fun and keep me from worrying about what I am going to do with my life. I am going into my second year of University but I almost ruined my first year by drinking and coming to school drunk or stoned. Just yesterday I did magic mushrooms and I completely flipped. I started crying hystarically and couldn't stop. I was so scared and there was nothing I could do to help myself. I thought alot about who I was and what I was doing to myself. I sat with my best friend and we talked about how we were slowly ruining our lives. Although we were high at the time I think that we both realized that what we are doing is not OK and we cannot keep using alcohol and drugs to make things better. After reading these stories I know that I must do something to help myself. If these other people can recover from addictions so can I. This page helped me pass the first step and admit that I have a problem. Thanks.
Willy
Location Unknown
I have been clean for 70 days today. It started with snorting coke and then I tried crack and instantly became hooked. I smoked it every day for seven months. My life was hell. I lost twenty pounds, was severely depressed, paranoid, lost all respect from my family and friends and wanted to die. I thought about killing myself often and cried atleast four times a day. The only time I didn't cry was when I was high. But then I was too paranoid to care about being depressed. After I was high and no more drugs I craved and craved wondering where I would get my next bit of cash to get another rock. It was a life of hell. I admitted myself into detox. Stayed for 5 days and signed myself out. I stayed clean for 18 days then started using again. I got back to being severly depressed and paranoid and knew I had to get a grip. Crack had total control of me. I moved away to a place where I didn't know any drug dealers. I stayed clean for 108 days, then I went home for a visit and used again. I came back to where I live now and haven't touched the stuff yet. I ahve been taking pills to get a buzz. I took so many one night I completely flipped. My boyfriend thankfully took them away from me and won't give them back. Now I steal from my sister who takes pills for panic attacks. I also found a girl whose boyfriend is a dealer and now I have a connection to the crack world all over again. I am so scared and confused. I want it so bad but know I can't handle the cravings when I do do it. I haven't used yet because of money but when I do get money this weekend, will I use or fight it? This is so hard to control. I do not want to go back to detox and I know I will go downhill if I use again. But the temptation is there, the source is there, the money will be there. I pray to God he will give me the strenght to stay clean.
Joshua W.
Somewhere in New Mexico
My name is Joshua and I'm a recovering addict who presently resides in the New Mexico. I'd like to take this opportunity to share a readers digest version of my story.
I was born in Wisconsin in 1963, the youngest of 5 children. My family was always well provided for. I graduated from college in 1985, worked for a major Florida bank for 7.5 years, and presently do underwriting for a group of banks in Georgia from my home. I like to run, swim, and golf. I've been married for 3+ years, and my wife is a physician. It all sounds nice and neat, huh? How can a guy like this get so screwed up?
I always despised alcohol. I think because my mom drank very alcoholicly while I was in junior high, high school, college, and beyond. There are some really painful memories behind her drinking. My friends always made fun of me because I wouldn't drink with them. I finally gave in. From the first time on, I loved how alcohol made me feel. All the inhibitions went away. I felt like not only one of the crowd, but the life of the party. Every time I drank, I did so to get bombed. I always succeeded. I also would typically alienate any of my friends who happened to be with me. My drinking was in binges, and continued to well after aI graduated from college.
The addiction that really saddled me was one of sex addiction. I got caught up in picking up prostitutes, going to massage parlors, calling 1-800 and 1-900 phone sex numbers, and going to strip clubs. I couldn't get enough. The compulsion to act out was with me almost constantly. I hid this from my 1st wife throughout our entire time together. The lies and excuses I came up with, unbelievable. I had so much remorse, shame, and self-hatred for the life I was living. Each time I acted out, I made that NEVER AGAIN firm resolve. Yet, one day, one week, or one month later, the compulsion would hit, the tunnell vision would set in, the addiction had it's grip, and off I went. I'd cruise for hours, pick someone up, have sex, and be overridden by grave self hatred and remorse. The cycle would then repeat itself.
The prostitute chasing led to my introduction to crack cocaine. The first time I used it in January of 1992 I instantly fell in love with it. The next three years were a living nightmare. As the direct result of using, I divorced, lost my job of 7.5 years, emotionally ripped the heart out of my present wife and nearly lost this marriage, was financially a pitiful mess, had my life physically threatened on numerous ocassions, and sat in the back of numerous police cars, and even visited jail. I was forced into NA. I spent three years relapsing, lying to my sponsor, going to treatment numerous times, going to individual and marital counseling, and being dishonest to everyone about everything. I hit bottom very often and stayed there. You'd have think that the pain I went through was so tremendous that I would have got the message. I didn't, I kept going out, and the progression and the consequences kept getting greater and greater. I did things I swore I'd never do, and simply hated myself and the life I was living.
I'm not really sure how I'm alive today. I should be in jail or dead. Something clicked, however. On 1-7-95 I was taken to detox and subsequently shipped off to a residential treatment program for 131 days. It was miserable. I wanted to use so bad, but couldn't because I was confined. Dealing with those emotions and feelings and seeing the downward spiral my life had taken and where it landed my was the greatest pain I faced. After getting out of treatment on 5-17-95, I've attended meetings on nearly a daily basis. I often times attend two per day. I also attended aftercare for over a year and did 8 months of individual and marital counseling. I got very active in service, being told that it is easier to stay clean in the middle than it is on the edges. I use prayer and meditation, I read literature, I talk with others, I try to apply the steps, and I attempt to work with others. Having recently moved, I've got a brand new home group and sponsor.
It's been 1 year, 9 months, 2 weeks, and 2 days since I used. I'm also faithful to my wife. The addictive obsessions and compulsions still hit me, and at times are overwhelming. That's O.K. I'm an addict and am resolved to the fact that I'll get those thoughts from time-to-time. Having laid and continuing to lay a solid foundation, I have tools to prevent me from acting on those thoughts. I put a lot of effort into my recovery, because I have a lot of respect for my disease. For a long time i thought I was one of those who was constitutionally incapable. I was resolved to dying in my active addiction. Through the Grace of God and the awesome program of recovery, I now have a daily reprieve. I am completely appreciative of this miraculous achievement. I'll continue to put in the footwork and strengthen that foundation.
Thanks for letting me share. I apologize for the long-windedness. But even if nobody read this thing this far down, at least pounding away on the keyboard helped me to further internalize my dedication to recovery.
Elizabeth aka Starhawk
Location Unknown
I am grateful today that I have a program, which allows me to search for answers, live life in the "here and now" and advocates spiritual growth at all costs. Certainly there are tradeoffs, but I can’t imagine living life in the drowning whirlpool myself and many others were in ever again. Today I am committed to having healthy relationships with defined boundaries, realistic expectations and honest communications. My choice today to put God first, my recovery and self second, my children and other significant others third is not always an easy one to live up to. Working through issues as they arise, prayer and mediation, and sharing my recovery with others makes it possible. I have no trouble relating to alcoholism as a family disease. I have felt the effects as a child, as an adult child, as a practicing and recovering alcoholic\addict who has children of her own who have been affected both secondarily and primarily. I also have no trouble believing in miracles. I am one. So is my father at 18 years sober and so are my sons. The most valuable lesson I have learned is the absolute necessity for me to be gentle with myself. I have the right to be wrong, the right to not know everything and a right to my feelings. I may get depressed again, I may even get crazy again -- I only pray I will have the fortitude to be gentle enough with myself to rise above the insidiousness of my disease called alcoholism.
Melissa S.
Ontario Canada
I am a crack addict who stopped using in May. My advice for all the crack addicts out there-QUIT! You are heading down a road of pure hell. I had a drug counsellor, was in detox, went to NA meetings and still used. I had to go as far as to move to another province where I knew no one who sold it. I lost twenty pounds in two months, was a paranoid freak, lost all my friends, no one respected me. I couldn't live without my crack every day. My best friend and I started using together and both became addicted. I was so depressed I wanted to die. I cried five times a day. I was never happy. Never smiled. I was relieved when I had crack because it was my friend and I was hopelessly addicted to it. I was clean eighteen days after leaving detox and used once, then I started all over again. The paranoia, depression,cravings, withdrawl from crack ARE NOT WORTH IT! Crack is the worst drug. I hate it. I have only been clean a few months.I'll tell you the world is a strange place after not being on it for so long. It's scary and you can only go one day at a time. But it will be worth it. My life is far more important than smoking a big rock and crawling around on the carpet searching for the crumbs you think you lost . My habit was so expensive that in six months I spent one month I spent over five thousand dollars on it. I still have cravings, I still sometimes wish I had a rock but I fight it and don't use. That was my only alternative. It was that or die.
Rebecca B.
Denver, CO
Well, I've just been playing around with this computer trying to research for a homework assignment, and found this page. My story, huh? Well... it's mine and I wouldn't say it is particularly noteable, except for that fact. I got sober when I was twenty-one years old. It's been over six years now. The Virginia Court system was actually the final decision maker in it all. They seemed to think that two DWI's was just a little much for a girl of twenty-one. So, off I went to treatment. It was in all actuality the best thing that ever happened to me, that November early morning in '89 when the police patrol car saw me crossing over the line one to many times. I guess I'm going to keep this short, but today I can be grateful to those two officers. At the time, I just remember staring at their guns wondering if they were loaded and maybe it would be better if I were dead. How could I have screwed up again. I wanted to start my life over again, by moving to Virginia, by getting away from my bad friends, by not being reminded of the past, of the first DWI, all of it everything. Then, in one night in November, the dream of escape was taken from me too. It wasn't any better in a new land, I was still there. Today, my dreams are coming true. Perhaps it is merely that the program has given me the chance to dream. I'm not afraid of them anymore. There's more to life today than I could've ever imagined that first day I walked into the AA club in Manassass, VA. I had no idea really what life was about. How many feelings a person is capable of having and living through. Tears and laughter have been my largest blessing. Thank you everyone. One final note: there was a woman who worked with me at Keystone Ski Resort, and she was in the program. She pointed out some of my alcoholic behavior when I was too young to hear. I don't remember your name, but I never forgot the things you told me. They resounded in my head everytime I screwed up again. You were instrumental in my sobriety, and I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart. This has been the best ride of my life.
Lena C
Woodbridge, VA
I am a 19 year old student recovering from bulemia. I have had the disease since I was age 14, I just didn't realize it. I thought in order to have bulemia, you had to pig out then throw it all up (binging and perging) everyday at least one time a day. All I was doing was making myself sick when I felt like I ate too much or when I was dieting (one to three times per month). But my best friend remembers differently. She says I was perging at least every other day. In the fall of my Junior year in high school, I was at 150 lbs and 5'8''. I was a pretty girl with a nice figure. Around that time, I met my boyfriend Jon. He was mentally abusive to me. I was not allowed to have any friends or any type of life that didn't envolve him. Within the two years we were together, I had gain 60 lbs and was up to my top weight of 210 lbs. I was miserable. I started taking an aerobics class and eating healthfully. I was sure I was going to lose some weight and I did. I got down to 180 lbs. But that wasn't good enough. It didn't even phase me that I had lost any weight at all. I was still fat! I decided to depend strictly on perging and see if that would work (since nothing else did). I started throwing up after every meal and every snack. I was throwing up at least 5 times a day. I immediately began to lose weight. So fast that it scared me. I went to library and began reading up on the disease. I learned what terrible things could happen to my body (the decayed teeth, failed kidneys and liver, loss of hair and finger nails and eventually death.) You know something, None of that scared me like it should have. From those books I also learned something else. I learned new tricks. I learned a lot. I began to lose more weight. I told my mom what I was doing. I don't think she understood. I think she thought I could just stop. Anyone with any kind of addiction can tell you that you just can't stop because someone tells you to. I decided I needed some help. I checked myself into a week long day program at a mental hospital. I had to sit and talk in groups with other girls who had eating disorders. They were so thin. Some of them looked like skeletons! They were all checked into the hospital and couldn't go home. I didn't want to end up like them. The doctors and nurses monitored everything I did while I was there. They watched me eat and they watched me go to the bathroom. I hated it! After my week was over, I felt I was on my way to recovery. I was for about two months. But now I am starting to think about hurting myself again. I don't want to but I need to lose 35 more pounds. It seems like if I barely eat anything and exercise really hard for about a month, the thirty-five pounds will be gone. I just want to be beautiful and thin. I hate myself so much sometimes. I just want to be thin.
Christy D.
Huntington WV
Hi! My name is Christy and I am a very grateful recovering alcoholic. On November 5, I will have ten months of sobriety. Although some days are challenging, I would not trade my life now for the misery I had before. After 16 years of alcohol and drug abuse, I finally hit the bottom. It took a second DUI and nearly losing my two year old daughter to admitt I am an alcoholic and addict. Getting clean was a painful experience, but now I can actually feel and I know that no matter what, I am never alone. I know I have a very long way to go, but I already am experiencing some of the promises. I am mending my relationship with my family and also have true friendships for the first time in my life. I am a full-time student and a full-time mom. It's tough, but I realize that just because I've stopped using, my life won't always be a bed of roses. But it sure is better than it was when I was out there! Everyday I thank my higher power for the miracle of sobriety and for guiding me to the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.
J.D. Daugherty
Marksville, La.
On this day, 13 years ago...
I woke up in my '72 Impala, parked at Big Dave's place...a burned-out farm at the top of the Blue ridge in North Carolina... really a weed farm. The car was 180 degrees out of time, no heat, one windshield wiper, no muffler; illegal. What clothes I had were in paper bags in the very leaky trunk. I had a tank of gas, a couple of packs of smokes, a few beers, a few dollars. I was on the Lam. I skipped bond on a couple of charges, eloped probation supervision on another...then there was the matter of those felony charges (I had been a state parole investigator there, they really didn't want me in jail with all those guys I had put in there, solitary confinement detox ain't fun!) where I had been released for treatment, but I hadn't finished- the treatment center had thrown me out. I wasn't as worried about these as I was the $25,000.00 contract the Cubans had on me; or Big Larry out to kill me. The wife, the kids, the house, the cars, the job...all gone. A few weeks before, I had been in the hospital again, they called my family and said that I wasn't going to make it through the night. This was the third time I'd been there that year - chronic liver disease and chronic toxicity had caused me to internally hemmorage - they couldn't stop the bleeding. I said goodbye, but fooled them, I lived. The doctor said that if I ever took another drink, I would die. Within 72 hrs. of my release from the hospital and 50 pounds under weight, I took that drink. I had to. I wished I would die. I had attempted suicide on three occasions that year; I couldn't even get that right. The day I put my head in the oven, was the exact moment that the Gas Co. turned off my service! Really, it was during these suicide attempts, and trying to drink myself to death that I realized that God didn't want me yet. I hated Him. When my family discovered that I was drinking despite the doctors advice, my mother had asked me to go away and never return; She couldn't watch her son kill himself. I knew she was right, it was the only decent thing to do. I define "a low bottom drunk" as one who's mother can't stand to see him anymore. My health, my sanity, my self respect...all gone, and I couldn't do a damn thing about it.
The last snow storm of the season was blowing down when I shook to that morning. I had realized that hiding out with Big Dave wasn't going to work out. I had enough gas to get to my cousins in DC, which was the last idea I had of where to hide out. I had no idea of what I was going to do once I got there. I explained that I was leaving to Dave, over a breakfast of Budweiser and weed. He ask me, "What are you going to do?". I answered, "I'm gonna try and get sober". He then tried to explain to me that people like he and I could never get sober. "Well, I'm gonna try", I replied. I headed north to Virginia.
When I crossed the Virginia line, I threw my last Budweiser out the window. I thought I was gonna puke, I couldn't drink anymore. Twenty years before, my first drink had been a Budweiser, it had made me feel the same way. At this time I HAD to drink to drive, when I wasn't drinking, I was shaking. The flip side to that was that my filter was breaking, my liver function was very unstable, and I would blackout unpredictably. So, I tried to just keep the shakes down - if I started feeling okay, I might blackout. As I drove through Virginia in the snow storm, I had no heat or defrost, a piece of one windshield wiper and I was rapidly going into detox - I had to drink every two hours, at least. I got lost. I was running out of gas, cigarettes and money. A trucker told me a shortcut. It looked like I had just enough to get there.
What he didn't explain was that the shortcut led across Skyline Pass, in the Blue Ridge. That poor old car just barely made it to the top of that mountain and when I got there...the other side , the Shannondoah Valley, was completely fogged in. I had lived a great deal of my life in the swamp, I know fog...this fog was impenetrable. Add to this the lack of windshield wiper or defrost, only one headlight, but most of all, it had been hours since my last drink - I was in DT's...flashback hallucinations, voices. I had no idea where I was, I did know I didn't have enough gas to backtrack or go any other way. There was no way I could get off of that mountain. I stopped my car, got out...
I looked up in the sky, and said "God, whatever You want". I had run out of my plan. I meant what I said and understood what I meant. I had been fooling around with AA for along time, I had simply been unwilling to surrender to anything. I had taken the first step drunk, I had no doubt that alcohol had me by the ass, I believed in God and His power; but I hated His guts. When I ran out of people, places, things, money, booze, dope, ideas and roads, I had no place else to turn. I took my third step on that mountaintop. It seems like a moment later that a car pulled up, stopped, flashed his lights at me - no one spoke, I never saw who it was - but, I signaled I was stuck, he pulled up ahead of me, stopped again, and waited in front of my car. I looked up in the sky again, and said, "Thanks". I followed him down that serpentine mountain, all I could see was two tail lights, nothing else. Did I mention that I didn't have any brakes?
When I got to my long lost cousins', he took one look at me and sent the wife and kids to bed. We sat at the kitchen table, I told him of my troubles (which were evident) and of my desire to get sober and straighten out my life. He took my hands and prayed to God Almighty for my salvation. The next three days I shook it out in the mudroom; when I could, I got up and went directly to AA. I had no where else to go. I never took another drink.
Babs F.
Marksville, La.
In some way I hope to recapture the past, not to dwell on the negative, but to rejoice in the grace of God and His wondrous ways.
Eleven years ago today, I emerged from an alcoholic blackout. I remember vividly the dull drone in my head and the paranoid panic in my heart, as I realized what had taken place. It wasn't until I had spoken with my co-workers that I became aware that five days had passed since I had shut myself up in that apartment with at least a case of liquor.
I have yet to have any recollection of why I decided to drink again. There seemed to be no traumatic events, no emotional disturbance, no family or relationship difficulties, no employment dilemmas, no financial burdens, no physical defficiencies. Life had become a day to day, one foot in front of the other occurance. Going to work and attending meetings daily, working the steps with my sponsor for the previous fourteen months and attempting to carry the message to the new comers. There was a definate void somewhere inside my mind, my body, my spirit..... something missing. I had no clue as to what I that something was.
As I began to walk through the rooms of that apartment, picking up empty liqour bottles, the thought occured to me that I might find the answer to the question of why I drank again in the Big Book. I went to the shelf and pulled down the text. I opened the book randomly to page fourty-three and read the last paragraph. It reads.... "Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power."
It was at that very moment that I experienced what I consider my first true, undeniable spiritual awakening. I was suddenly filled with a warmth of incomprehensible proportion. I felt what I believed without a shadow of a doubt, to be the absolute love of God, in every sense of my being.
There was no question in my mind of what the next step should be. I fell to my knees and offered myself to God. I asked that my alcoholic difficulties be removed. I did not hear the voice of God in response to my request. I did however have an overwhelming sense that my request would be realized as long as I was willing to surrender every aspect of my life to Him.
From that day until this, I have not had any thought or experience that has deemed it necessary for me to take that next drink. On June the 6th, 1985, I was given the promise of a new life. There are days when I know that I fall short of indebtedness to God for what has been given me. I have come to believe that He in all His wisdom, knows better than me the limitations of the human mind and spirit. I no longer believe, as I once did, that He punishes me for the past. Today I believe and have the faith that He is my only true guardian in life. I love Him and trust Him, in all of His omnipotence, to guide me through this day, in all my thoughts and actions, to be the best servant to Him and His children that I, in all my humaness can be.
It has been only by the grace of God that I have been able to give to you this message of hope. On each anniversary I attempt to recount the events of that day in 1985. It keeps me in touch with who and what I was then and who and what I aspire to be today. It is my hope that these words might be of use to some other suffering alcoholic in need of an answer to their own alcoholic dilemma.
With all my heart.... In love and service to God and you,
Bill C.
Baton Rouge, La
Checked your page today....Good job! I have been in recovery for 5 years....the last drink I had was almost 2 years ago. I took everyone's advice and kept coming back...it works!
My page has some links to AA also...but mostly deals with the loss of my 21 year old son in 1993. Grief is much like recovery....it begins in denial...and ends in acceptance. I am greatly blessed to have been able to deal with my loss.. sober. All of the principles of the program came in very handy in dealing with what has been the greatest tragedy of my life.
I plan to put up a link to your page...if that is okay. I really like it. Keep up the good work. I have visited other areas...and Louisiana has some of the finest recovery in the world.
Love & Peace,
Debi R.
North Platte, NE
Am in NA and AA recovery groups and have been since 1986. I haven't stayed straight all that time though! Have been to treatment twice and am still having trouble staying sober and clean. I do have some quality 24 hours though! Have discovered that my addictions to booze and drugs goes alot deeper to the addiction as a Co-Sex and Love Addict. I am amazed at what I'm learning on my own and only wish that there was a support group in my area. But we're lucky that we even have a NA group!
Debbie G.
Virgina
I was hooked on crack till 2 weeks ago. I got coked up and almost died. I was trying to fly off a 4 story building. I haven't touched it in 2 weeks and I am still feeennnnnniiinggggg...... God Help Me.....
Joe
Copyright İ1995 Joe Ryan, author of Coming Full Circle
Itıs 3:21 a.m. and sleep is the furthest thing from me. Thereıs a disturbance running in the background, a slightly unsettled feeling that cannot be accessed. As I sit with the feeling, I just canıt put my finger on it. I sit and I sit, but the emptiness still will not allow the feelings to surface. I just canıt seem to put my finger on the underlying problem. This disturbance, ever so slight, cannot be pinpointed. There is a place in me that is yet unsettled. What will settle this? Is there nothing I can do to heal my pain, is there not a way to find out what it will take to feed my soul until it is full to the point of contentment? Why is the answer so hard to reach? To whom can I turn to answer my questions? Is there anyone who has gone here before?
I'm like an explorer searching out uncharted territory. As I feel my way around in the darkness, how am I to know which way to turn? Is this a search for happiness or pain? Trapped pain waiting to be found, experienced and released. Where did this pain come from, and how come it is so hard to find? I know it resides within myself. Have I explored so little of myself that I have no answers for my questions? This must be true, as I am writing this to answer my questions about myself.
I can feel the dis-ease living a life of its own within me; although it is subtle, I know it is there. I canıt tap into it or touch it in any way. As I sit, I know it is there. No matter what I'm doing I can still feel it, so am I really here, or am I just focused on the pain by not focusing on the pain? The more I pretend it is not there, the more I can feel it. I feel it right now, and if I didn't I would be sleeping instead of writing. All I want to do is go to sleep, but I canıt. I have no control, I canıt just shut it off. The frustration of n being able to name this leads to anger, and ironically once this anger is expressed the pain seems to subside. Could it be that my pain has been turned to anger and it is fighting to get out? Is it sadness, helplessness, feelings of inadequacy, or all of the above plus much more?
If this is so, how and where do I let it out? I just don't understand. Not knowing can cause all of these feelings. It is just another paradox that I have created. By not being able to figure out the feeling, do I just create more of the same feelings? I search my head, heart and body and I am no closer to the answer now than I was yesterday. FRUSTRATION; I canıt ignore it and I canıt solve it, so I sit in limbo not being able to rest. Do I search for the answer or do I ignore it? First I try to ignore it. Impossible! Then I try to alter it, but itıs running in the background, so by trying to alter it I become completely focused on it. I try to pretend itıs not there, like I'm trying to trick myself, but who am I kidding? It will not let me forget. So now what? I sat with it, I ignored it, now I'm writing about it and nothing seems to help, so now what do I do? Should I obsess all night until I exhaust it, or should I turn to my old friend, my drug of choice, to suppress it long enough for me to enjoy my life for an hour until I fall asleep? Drugs are the only way I know to get rid of the feeling. After being clean so long, do I really want to go down that road again? The road that gives me temporary relief, but in the end brings me further away from the answers.
I canıt stand the confusion. My whole life has turned into one big ³why.² I can barely keep my eyes open, but I'm totally awake at the same time. I'm not writing this for my enjoyment, I'm writing to kill time, to kill the feelings that keep me from living free, from making my own decisions, from being happy and content. My life's dream habecome to find out what makes this uncontrollable engine run, and how to stop it.
All I want to do is sleep.
Kara
Slippery Rock, Pa
Tonite I realized I needed a lot of help, I thought it all was bullshit, when I was in rehab last year. Now I'm one year older and I believe a bit smarter. I've fallen far behind and now I have nowhere to go since everyone gave up. Just browsing through all this has made me realize I need help thank you
Allen O.
Edinburg, Texas
I really like your page. I am 3 days clean today. After nearly 4 years of being in AA and NA, I am back again to first step. I found that the Net is too easy to feed another addiction, Sex additions. The alt.binary newsgroups arer without scouples. As longas I am not working my program, neither am I. If I am away from God in on area of my life, I am away from God in all areas. Saturday, I left my home and family, got a bunch of cocaine and an expensive woman and proceeded to throw away some some serious sobriety and a good family. I have begun my program again in earnest, so I know that I can get my sobriety back with God's help, but who knows about my family. As part of my new program, I am discontinuing my Net account until i get permission toreturn by my sponsor. God bless you and remember allenabo in your prayers
The Choice was Mine
By Dale F. Orange, TexasHello my name is Dale and I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I came from a home with 3 brothers and 1 sister. My father worked a lot to earn a living for the family, so I never really got to know him very well. I only knew him as a person that whipped me when my mother said I had been bad. I grew up feeling very unloved, and like I just didn't belong. I even remember my school days, and I hated school cause I just felt so dumb and like people would laugh at me. But as time went on, I slowly out grew that aspect of my life.
I was married at the age of 19. We bought us a home, and I felt life was off to a good start. As my wife and I dated, I knew she smoked marijuana, but I never knew how someday that would all effect me. After we were married for about 3 years. She kept pressuring me and pressing me to smoke a joint with her. Finally one day I gave in. I remember the experience well. After I smoked it, I felt as if I finally belonged. As if people really loved me and even wanted me around. So needless to say, she and I started buying it ourselves. It wasn't long before I had to move on to bigger and better things. So naturally I started drinking, smoking marijuana, and finally snorting cocaine. It finally got to a point where she and I were not getting along and the only thing that interested me was getting high. So needless to say, we split up. It then got to where I was always using some type of drug. Then I lost my first job. My family intervened and I went to treatment. I remember telling those counselors just what they wanted to hear. But I was never really serious. I finally finished and to make a long story short. I stayed clean and sober for about 1 year. This time when I started drinking and drugging. I moved on to "crack" cocaine. When I think about what I did to get crack it turns my stomach even today. But I need to talk about it so I will share it with you. I have never considered myself to be even remotely gay. But I would do things with men as long as they gave me cash or cocaine. I even had one guy make me rape his 11 year old son while he watched. He gave me 2 rocks of crack cocaine for that. As time went on I got worse and worse. I needed money to continue my habit. So, after getting another good job during my 1 year of not using. I began to steal cash from the business. It wasn't long before they caught on to what I was doing. So.... they had me arrested. OH GOD ! Here I sat in a cold jail cell. I remember getting on my knees and begging God to help me. So many times I had bargain with God. Never keeping my promises either. I thought to myself..... Why should he help me? But as it turns out. I went back to treatment. This time facing very serious legal consequences. I had lost my job, my car, even my home and all possessions.
I remember walking in to group that very first day while I was in the treatment center. There was this big counselor. I could see him eyeballing me. Finally he looked at me and said. "Introduce yourself" So I slowly said, "My name is Dale and I am a Addict." So he went on to question me about my life. He could see that I felt totally hopeless. I even admitted that I wanted to die. But suddenly he said, " I want you to Reach up there and Grab your ear." and so I did. Then he said, as long as you have you, then you have something to work with. From that moment on, I realized it was up to me to change. It was up to me to make my life better. And I wanted that. I really, really wanted that. So I completed treatment. Went to court and was given 5 years probation. Plus I had to work 500 hours of community service. As I write this, I am still on probation. But I know that was God's way of keeping me in line. On October the 24th, I will celebrate 4 years of being clean and sober. I give all the glory to God for it was through his will and strength that I made it. I know I will always be an alcoholic and drug addict. But as long as I follow this simple program I can be in remission from this disease. Thank God for A.A. Thank God for loving me even when I didn't love myself.
Roger F
Rushville NY
Comments Click HereI was in the last stage of alcoholism in 1963 and my illness caused me to seek help from AA. It worked for me from day one except for one afternoon slip about 4 months after I started. I am now 72 years old and a retired psychologists. My life is happy and full. Because of AA I have spent the rest of my life helping others who have problems with alcohol, drugs and gambling. Most of it was with underprivileged people who had nowhere to turn.
Your page is just great. I just found it and will highly recommend it. Thanks for being here and taking the time to carry the message.
Ivan T.
Baton Rouge, LAI had just made it home from work and decided I would surf the web. I knew I really needed to get my butt to a meeting, but figured if I got busy on the internet that I would forget about it. I was checking some medical information out on one of the search engines and by chance came across a reference to your page. So I clicked on it, and when I got to your site and read that first paragraph. I turned off my computer and got my butt to that meeting. Later I came back and looked through your pages. You have a wealth of information, and I find myself coming back several times a week. Keep up the good work. Your page just might have saved me from drinking. Thanks......
Karen F
Location UnknownI am a 38 year old woman in recovery for 7 years. I hit rock bottom an thought I was going to die , not to mention lose my children. I began drinking at the age of 13. I'll remember that first one , it made all the pain go away. I grew up in a very violent family. Dad beating mom, and mom sharing all her marital secrets with me only. I was the eldest child. My drinking got worst in my 20's. I married some one that I did not love or care about. I needed a father !!! My story is very long , this is just the tip of the ice berg.... I am willing to share with you the whole sorted thing, just don't have the time now. But my life has changed for the better, I am successful, own my business and have come to know my self The drinking was not the problem, only the ignorance I thought it would fix everything in my life. I believe in my heart and mind that you can't go back and your thinking must change, most importantly you must put your life in the hands of your higher power, we are ignorant and we don't know any better. Life is much better with a clear mind. Only God can bless us with that.
Courtesy MIND IT!
Last Updated: 11/30/02